Tuesday, November 12, 2013

Jam Tins, Handmade Cards, and Sunday Songs

Have you ever just been standing there and out of nowhere this incredible crushing wave of sadness crashes over you? It seems to be happening more often for me lately. Sunday was an especially sad day. It was our first wedding anniversary which should have been a really special day. Instead, we spent most of the day apart while Berke worked on finishing up our move and I went to church and took care of some personal business.

It was all going smoothly until we started singing a specific song at church. My stomach started to twist just a bit, I got a little antsy, and then the floodgates opened. I started uncontrollably crying. I was overcome with such tremendous sadness.

This wasn't the first time either. When I first noticed this sudden onslaught we were at a Good Egg in Phoenix the morning following the Alabama Shakes and the State Fair. We were all around a round table sharing stories and Berkeley reaches for jam for his toast. I just barely caught a glimpse of the tin of Dickinson's Jam and my stomach knotted up, I slumped ball of tears and just sobbed.

It has been happening every few days. Crying is supposed to be releasing the endorphins to make me feel better afterwards, but usually it just exhausts me. Being emotionally wrecked has not aided this whole moving situation. I feel so tired all the time and I really don't want to move boxes or pack boxes or do anything. It doesn't help that every few hours we find a handwritten note from Berke's more or a handmade card that had gotten tucked away. It is like a punch in the gut and I really want to be past it.

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