More than any year in the past, the first few months this season really weighed heavy on me. I was emotional, and not coping well with Berkeley's long hours and working days off. I was irritated any time his work schedule fluctuated from the norm. Every compromise, change of plans, and late dinner seemed like a another sprinkling of salt in an open wound. I was harboring so much resentment towards him and this life we live.
For some reason though, something changed and I finished out the last few days of that assignment at peace with it. More or less. I was still irritated by different things including the fact that the fire had already transitioned and so many people had already been cut loose and they weren't, but that irritation wasn't directed at Berkeley anymore.
When this post goes live, it will be Day 14 of his assignment. Normally, around days 7 and 8, I lose it a little bit. I get antsy and feel unsettled. Not this time. I didn't even realize it was the halfway point until two days later when Berkeley told me there were only four days left. Normally, the last few days I get super emotional. It just didn't happen this time. I am really at peace. I mean, it still sucks that he is gone, but it just doesn't seem like the inconvenience it has felt like in the past.
I really hope this sticks. I hope I am finding my stride and my place in this crazy life of ours!